This week I started a new role and for the first time I've put team health at the forefront by re-reading Crucial Conversations with the specific purpose of gifting the book and a summary of it to each of my engineers. What follows is my paraphrased summary of the book, excluding the last 2 chapters, for those who might find the topic interesting.
Chapter 1
The ability to talk openly about high stakes, emotional, controversial topics
The key skill of effective teams is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and risky issues
Despite the importance of this skill we often avoid these difficult conversations
When we do engage our default response is often self defeating because
- We’ve not had great role models to draw from in our personal or professional lives
- The reasoning capacity of our brain is cut in half as adrenaline starts pumping
- It’s difficult to step back from the content and manage the flow of conversation
Why study this topic? We only have 3 outcomes when faced with a crucial conversation
- We can avoid them
- We can have them and handle them poorly
- We can have them and handle them well
Chapter 2
The key to crucial conversations is effective dialog
Dialog: the free flow of meaning between 2 or more people
To be effective in dialog we seek to get all relevant information out into the open
Beware: the fools choice may encourage silence -between telling the truth and loosing a friend
At the beginning of a crucial conversation we usually don’t share the same pool of meaning
As the pool of shared meaning grows
- Better choices can be made because those involved have more relevant information
- With input from everyone you get increased ownership and unity for actions that follow
Chapter 3
To start, take a long hard look at yourself and recognize the role you play in dialog
As much as others may need to change, the only person we can directly change is ourself
Under fire we naturally resist complexity and stop adding to the pool of meaning
When emotions run high we swap our original motive for "winning" or even "punishing"
As you feel your motives shift ask yourself “what do I really want here?”
Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialog by choosing silence
We accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation
Chapter 4
Dialog requires safety for all involved
People will not add to the shared pool of meaning when they do not feel safe
Learn to look for safety problems (dual processing) while in the conversation
Beware: watching for conditions (ie: safety) and content at the same time takes practice
People become defensive because of fear (the condition) not the content itself
The problem is not the message, but when we fail to help others feel safe hearing the message
You can absorb threatening feedback when you respect their opinion and trust their motives
When you remove fear the brain can function with full reasoning capacity
Chapter 5
Safety requires commitment to a shared mutual purpose (the entry condition)
To stay in dialog we need to maintain mutual respect (the continuance condition)
When necessary, step out of the content, make it safe, then step back into the conversation
Beware: don’t sugar coat or water down your message
The 4 skills to establish a mutual purpose
- commit to seek mutual purpose (check your heart)
- Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
- Invent a mutual purpose
- Brainstorm new strategies that serve all involved
To establish respect when violated
- apologize if you’ve truly disrespected someone
- If respect was broken by misunderstanding, use contrasting to clarify the purpose or intent
Chapter 6
Emotions don’t just happen
We feel something because of a thought we ourselves create
We generally tell ourselves a story with partial information
These “stories” help us give meaning so we can justify
Once you’ve created the emotions you have 2 choices
1) You can act on them
2) Or be acted on by them
To challenge the emotional response or story ask “what evidence do I have that supports this?”
Beware: don’t confused stories with facts
We generally tell 3 diff stories
- Victim stories "not my fault"
- Villain stories "they have bad motives"
- Helpless stories "I’m powerless"
Relax your absolute certainty long enough for dialog -the only reliable way to discover motive
Chapter 7
Speak honestly but with confidence, humility and skill
Share the facts, not the conclusions
Invite opposing views
Tell your story (be sure this follows the facts)
Ask for others paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing (of your views and opinions)
Chapter 8
The best way to influence is to use your ears
When you invite others to share, you must mean it
Be curious, ask questions to seek understanding
Beware: we often start to insert incorrect motives
When you sense this^ ask “why would a sane, rational person say this?”
Retrace aloud -the other persons path to action (after you hear them explain it)
Work to curb your reaction and return to the facts/story/emotion to seek understanding
4 powerful listening skills
- Ask them to share their opinion
- Mirror -when their tone or body language doesn’t match their words mirror it back to them
- Paraphrase -repeat it back to clarify your own understanding
- Prime -sometimes we pour into the shared pool to encourage them to do the same
Keep in mind we are trying to understand their point of view -not necessarily agree with it
Beware: its what you say and how you say it (keep your tone top of mind as you repeat back)
Agree when you agree (don’t waste time debating if you don’t disagree)
Build when key pieces of information are left out -grow the pool of shared meaning
Compare when you differ and be open minded
Chapter 9
Decision making should be decided on up front ahead of the dialog itself
To not violate expectations make it clear how the final decision will be made
4 ways to make decisions (increasing degree of involvement)
- command - no involvement just delegate it
- Consult -invite others to influence the decision
- Vote - when several great options are present
- Consensus -most involved but required when a unanimous decision is necessary
To decide ask a few questions
- who cares? don’t invite people who aren’t involved
- Who knows about this information? (to help with the shared pool, and decision making)
- Who must agree to decide?
- How many people is it worth involving
You want to avoid violated expectations and inaction (hold people accountable to promises)
